So throughout the last few months since I started writing this blog, I have never specifically named any of the people I am referring to or told direct stories about the people who come and go from my life. Apart from with one person.The great and utterly complicated, love of my life. I referred to him directly here and slightly less directly here. And that post titled ‘Complicated love affair‘ – that’s all about him. He’s been a huge influence in my life, but inadvertently and indirectly as opposed to being a constant presence. Since March 10th 2007 I’ve been totally and utterly head over heels in love with this guy. I’ve dated other people, moved to another country, even lived with a boyfriend I loved dearly for a year but throughout all of that I always felt like if I wasn’t with this guy, then I would never ever experience the same depth of feeling for – or with – anyone else.
It’s hard to talk about, and perhaps that why i’m exploring it here. I can’t talk to my friends anymore. Those that know about him, sadly, don’t understand the situation between us. They don’t get its nuances, they don’t know him or get him, and quite rightly feel like I deserve something more.
And that’s totally fair. They only hear how he’s let me down – or they see me when i’ve not been myself as a direct result of being left in the dark about things when it comes to him and me. In fact I could go so far as to say all my best friends think he’s either an arsehole or a player, and every single one of them would say he’s not worth me wasting my time over. It’s harsh, and fair, but not – as it turns out – factually true. It’s my fault i’m now unable to talk to them about this. It was my choice to lean on my friends in times of crisis, especially when I felt totally lacking in control over my emotions when it came to this particular person. I suspect they think less of me for repeatedly giving things a go with him, only to be knocked back every time. After all, what self respecting woman keeps opening herself up to a guy who isn’t capable of having a typical adult relationship with her? Who gives chances to someone who makes promises he never keeps and always eventually disappears until enough time has passed for both of us to crawl back out the hole that being in each other’s lives created?
I can honestly say that its that hole that is what is significant here. I’ve talked about being in the hole a couple of times. Its a dark and extremely lonely place when you’re in it. And in the past it;s the loss of connection to this particular person that can in fact trigger my loneliness and send me to a darker place. The hole is buried under the angst, the anxiety, the overly buzzing head space, the unnecessary uncertainty and utter conviction that I tend to get that i’m going to get extremely hurt. Even when him and me are in a relatively good place it’s never much of a win win. When he’d be in my life I’d start to freak out, and when he wasn’t in it, life didn’t seem all that worth living. But I explored what this intense negative feeling was and with therapy learned more about myself than I could ever imagine.
It’s coming up to 6 years since we met, and just before Christmas I knew I had to snap out of my depression. It was no longer about losing this great love from my life, other things had taken over. I never thought i’d speak to him again, I was pretty much in an okay place about it. I got that things were complicated for him because of his complicated head spaces, and I knew that when we’d tried to give things a go in May last year it was too soon after his previous relationship. Cutting me off without communicating what is going on, was the way he operated. Utterly devastating, but by then it had happened to me so many times I reacted pretty numbly to it.
So by Christmas I was climbing out the hole. He was occasionally in my head but he was starting to feel more and more distant as each day passed.
Then last week, there he was on Skype. I didn’t even know we were connected on Skype. Or if I did, i’d not seen him online in months. I messaged him without much of a seconds thought:
‘There are no hard feelings. I think of you often, I even miss you sometimes. But I hope you’re ok. I just wanted to let you know that’.
Maybe its that I’m going into hospital next week that I wanted to make my peace with him. Maybe its because for the first time ever my heart didn’t leap when I saw him online. I didn’t feel panicky that he might not reply. I didn’t really care whether I spoke to him again, I wasn’t trying to turn it into a thing, I just wanted to say what I said.
Maybe its that no matter how much we hurt each other, underneath all the confusion are two people who just really do actually love each other.
He replied straight away:
‘Thank you. That means a lot. I think about you often and miss you too. I’m really sorry’.